


Phil Coulson, Cool Dad

by grapehyasynth



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: (he can't), Coulson thinks he can prank with the best of 'em, F/M, Jemma Simmons Has No Chill, May is over his shit, as usual, i'm pretending there was no traumatic death at the end of S3, not quite crack but like close?, secret relationship (or so they think), seriously these people are spies?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-11
Updated: 2016-06-11
Packaged: 2018-07-14 11:46:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,510
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7169711
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grapehyasynth/pseuds/grapehyasynth
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Anon commissioned this work based on this structure: FS relationship is revealed in some way and Coulson decides to screw with them and tells them that they can't be together cause they work together. He feigns ignorance when they mention daisy/lincon and huntingbird, much to their outrage.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Phil Coulson, Cool Dad

“Fitzsimmons, my office, _now_ ,” Coulson called as he passed the lab. 

Jemma and Fitz exchanged a significant look but ignored the whispering and titters of their assistants and technicians. Fitz shut off the machine he had been running and brushed past Jemma, entirely professional but for the ghost of his fingers across her lower back. She followed him a moment later. 

May stood in the corner of Coulson’s office, a particularly sour twist to her mouth. She averted her eyes when they entered. 

“Sir, I know it’s not been as quick of a process as you’d hoped for, but we’ve nearly isolated the components of the compound Radcliffe used to make Hive’s Inhumans--” 

“And there’s not much finesse to the delivery mechanism so we’re focusing on reverse-engineering the process in order to create a vaccine for future potentialities --” Fitz added. 

“That’s all good, but that’s not why I’ve called you in.” 

“Sir?” 

“You know I appreciate how seamlessly you two work together. And you know we _all_ experienced the ramifications when you two weren’t talking, and again when Agent Simmons was gone--” 

“A bit euphemistic,” Fitz muttered. 

“Are we being dismissed from duty?” Jemma interrupted anxiously. 

“Let the Director speak, Agent Simmons,” May said firmly. 

“You’re not being dismissed - at least, not yet. It’s come to my attention that the nature of your personal relationship has changed.” 

“Oh, that’s not -- we’re not--” Jemma blustered. 

“--hardly relevant--” Fitz chimed in frantically. 

“...don’t know _where_ you might have heard--” 

“I have my sources,” Coulson cut them off. “Answer me honestly -- are you or are you not currently involved? As in, going steady, dating, hooking up--” 

“I think they understand, Phil.” 

Jemma and Fitz exchanged a nervous look, then said quietly, “We are, sir.” 

Coulson let out a resigned sigh. “That’s what I was afraid of.” He turned away from the, leaning his fists on his desk. “So long as I could claim ignorance wouldn’t have to do this, but...” 

“Is _this_ the part where we get dismissed, sir?” Fitz asked nervously, glancing between May and Coulson. 

Coulson faced them again, expression grim. “Because I respect you, I’m going to give you two a choice. Obviously I don’t want to lose you from this team, nor do I want to do anything to endanger your careers. But S.H.I.E.L.D. has policies against agents fraternizing for a reason--” 

“What reason _is_ that, sir?” Fitz demanded. He was getting a bit red in the face. 

“You said something about a choice,” Jemma spoke over him, touching his wrist where it hung by his hip in an effort to calm him down. 

“Either adhere to the policy, or leave my team.” 

“You can’t be serious!” Fitz gasped. 

“That’s preposterous! After everything we’ve done for this unit--” 

“Besides, Hunter and Bobbi and Lincoln and Daisy broke that rule and you _never_ called them out for it!” 

“How do you know I didn’t?” Coulson replied coolly. 

“Because -- because--” Fitz looked to Jemma helplessly. 

“Because they would have _rioted_ , quite frankly,” Jemma snapped. 

“Fortunately for all parties involved, their relationships never came to my attention, so I wasn’t forced to take action." 

Fitz and Jemma both scoffed, finding it _highly_ unlikely that Coulson never noticed the broiling sexual tension between Hunter and Bobbi or LIncoln’s repeated assertions that he was only accepting an affiliation to S.H.I.E.L.D. because of Daisy. 

“And perhaps if you’d been a bit more covert, as _spies_ are _supposed_ to be able to do, in this, our _spy_ agency, it wouldn’t have come to this.” Coulson shrugged, looking weary and defeated. “I’m sorry, but this is how it has to be.” 

Jemma turned slightly towards Fitz, her brow furrowed. “May we have 24 hours to make a decision, sir?” 

“As you wish, Agent Simmons.” 

“Thank you, sir.” 

“You can go.” 

Fitz trailed Jemma out, sending Coulson darting, furious glances. 

When their footsteps faded down the hallway, May stepped out of her corner. 

“You’re really lucky you outrank me, Phil, because this is one of the more ridiculous things you’ve done as Director.” 

Coulson allowed himself a sheepish smile. “C’mon, Melinda, I won’t take it that far -- I’m just annoyed they feel they can’t include me on stuff like this.” 

“Can’t tell their boss about their relationship status? Imagine that,” May said drily. 

“Besides, you used to love pranks.” He nudged her slightly with his elbow. “Just pretend we’re pulling this on Duncan and Forrester back at Operations. We’ll wind them up a bit, and we can all have a good laugh after.” 

“Don’t come crying to me when one of you says or does something you’ll regret.” May raised her eyebrows at him and left. 

“I’ll be fun,” Coulson muttered to himself again, looking around his empty office. “I can be a _cool_ Director. This is what _cool_ bosses do. It’ll be fun.”  
  
  


Jemma ushered Fitz into her room, already talking at top speed. 

“This is outrageous. Honestly, if we tell the others, they probably _would_ riot on our behalf -- Mack would have our backs, and Daisy--” 

“What, so he can fire them too?” Fitz sank miserably onto her bed. 

“He can’t fire all of us,” Jemma huffed. 

“He can, and maybe he should.” 

“What?” Jemma gaped at him. “You can’t honestly agree with him!” 

“Of course I don’t,” Fitz sighed, rubbing the heels of his palms into his eyes. “Coulson has never held much stock in the rulebook and he knows how effective we are as a team, mindblowing sex or not--” 

“Let’s maybe not mention that last bit to him, hmm?” 

Jemma started to pace, which Fitz knew meant she was approaching peak panic. 

“We can’t leave S.H.I.E.L.D.,” she said, waving her hands in front of her like she was giving a lecture. “Not at this time -- we’ve too much invested and we’ve made too many enemies and it would mean abandoning our friends when the need for our research has never been more dire--” 

“Well, we sure as hell aren’t breaking up!” Fitz exclaimed indignantly, making to rise. 

“Of course not,” Jemma scoffed, pushing him back down. “I’d never consider it.” 

Despite himself, Fitz grinned sappily up at her. 

“There’s only one thing we _can_ do,” Jemma muttered grimly, coming to a halt before him. “It’s hardly moral, but Coulson’s not left us any options, has he?” 

“What do we do, then?” 

“We lie,” Jemma said firmly, gazing down at him. “As Coulson said, we’re spies. We tell him we’ve gone back to being just friends, and then we be extra careful. No touching whatsoever in public spaces, none of your puppy dog eyes -- you know exactly what I mean,” she said over his protests. “And if we don’t want to go back to sleeping in separate beds, you may need to start altering the security footage.” 

“I’ll do it,” Fitz agreed automatically. “But you think Coulson will just buy that, hook, line and sinker?” 

“He _has_ to,” Jemma insisted. “Unless we give him reason to doubt us, he has to take our word.” 

“You think we can pull this off?” Fitz breathed, standing and sliding his arms around her waist. 

“We lied to ourselves for ten years -- lying to Coulson will be easy.”  
  
  


“They’re so lying,” Coulson chuckled as soon as Jemma and Fitz left his office the next day. 

“No doubt,” May agreed. “Fitz has so many tells Jemma never let him go to Vegas -- he’d lose _all_ of their money at poker.” 

“So what do we do?” 

May scowled, but as much as she’d disapproved of this prank from the beginning, she felt herself getting involved -- and invested -- against her best judgment. 

“We just have to catch them in a lie,” she said slowly. “And I think I know just how to make that happen.”  
  
  
  


For three weeks, Jemma and Fitz were excessively cautious. They’d never gone in for much PDA, but now they ate meals at different times and engaged in only light pleasantries when they passed each other. Fitz started spending more time in the garage with Mack again, and he erased sections of the surveillance videos early each morning after he’d snuck out of Jemma’s bunk. 

It was a miserable shadow of their previous arrangement, but they both agreed they’d do whatever necessary to preserve their hard-earned relationship. 

But then Coulson and May sent in their secret weapon. 

“Jemma! My favorite lady!” Daisy trilled, sauntering up to Jemma’s lab bench on a day when Fitz happened to be working nearby. “How’s it hanging?” 

“It’s likely hanging at a 90 degree angle to the earth’s surface, as per gravitational pull,” Jemma muttered distractedly. 

“Okaaaay, weirdo.” Daisy leaned against the work station and watched Jemma for a minute before saying, “Hey, so rumor has it you and Fitz split up.” 

Jemma guiltily kept her eyes on her work. She felt terrible having to maintain the lie to their friends as well, but they couldn’t afford weakest links. “Yes, we decided we were better off as just friends.” 

“Cool. Cool cool cool.” Daisy was silent for another beat, then asked innocently, “So,  you wouldn’t mind if I made a pass at him, right?” 

“What?” Jemma spluttered, totally caught off guard. 

“It’s just,” Daisy continued, gazing over at Fitz dreamily. “I don’t know when it happened but he’s become quite the _man_ , you know? He was always _cute,_ of course, but have you seen the way he looks in a suit? Whew!” Daisy fanned herself. 

Jemma glanced over at Fitz. He’d rolled up his sleeves and was leaning on his palms on the table, frowning at his computer, and even from this distance she could see what that did to his forearms. 

“And his ass--” Daisy chuckled conspiratorially. “I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t enjoyed the view. So cute and round and--” 

Jemma could see Fitz’s bum quite well from here, thank you -- in fact, she’d spent most of the morning trying to stop herself from staring at it. He should really wear looser trousers. On second thought, he definitely should _not_ , she decided, blushing vividly. 

“And those fingers!” Daisy shivered. “The number of times I’ve dreamt about him putting those hands and that pink little mouth all over my body while he talks dirty to me in that hot accent--” 

Jemma slammed her tablet onto the lab bench so hard that Fitz looked over, concerned. “Are you quite through?” she snapped at Daisy. “ _Some_ of us are trying to work.” 

“Okay, okay!” Daisy backed away, hands raised. “I’ll wait a couple more weeks, then.” 

As soon as she’d left, Jemma made a beeline for Fitz. As calmly as she could, she said, “Dr. Fitz, would you assist me with something in the supply closet?” 

“Supply cl--” Fitz’s eyes went very wide with understanding. “Jemma, we _can’t_ ,” he hissed. 

“We can if we lock the door,” she ground out, feeling _very_ frustrated by his momentary thickness. 

They speedwalked to the closet. Fitz fumbled the lock shut, then spun and scooped Jemma up, pressing her back against a shelf in one swift movement. 

“Oh, _Fitz_ ,” she moaned as his lips found her neck. She ran her hands from his hair down those perfect arms, over his ribs and around to his bum -- _her_ bum, she thought possessively, and gave it a squeeze. 

Fitz squeaked slightly and jumped, but the movement just pressed him more firmly against her and they both groaned. Jemma reached behind her to grab the shelf for support as Fitz ran his hands up her thighs. 

But a lock means very little in a spy base. 

The door burst open and Coulson, May, and Daisy tumbled through. 

“Ah-ha!” Coulson shouted dramatically. “Unhand her, you villain!” 

May rolled her eyes as Fitz and Jemma sprang apart. There was no hiding the nail marks Jemma had left across Fitz’s stubble or the first signs of hickeys on Jemma’s neck. 

“Is this what not dating means to you?” Coulson demanded. 

“Sir,” Fitz panted, “we--” 

“I’ll do it!” Jemma cried, stepping protectively in front of Fitz. “I’ll leave S.H.I.E.L.D.” 

“ _What_?” Fitz gasped at the same time that May and Coulson said, “Agent Simmons!” 

“I don’t care,” Jemma rushed on, looking desperately at Fitz. “S.H.I.E.L.D. has been my life, but -- there was a time I thought I’d never seen Fitz again. I can’t ever do that again. I want to be with him as much and as often and as fully as possible, and if that means quitting, so be it. I love him,” she added fiercely, looking back at the agents gaping at her from the doorway. “I love him and I’ll not let you take that away from us.” 

“You love me?” Fitz repeated dazedly. 

“Well, this is an unexpected upside of a shitty situation,” Daisy grinned. 

“Of course I love you -- hang on, why are you all smiling?” 

“This is _your_ mess,” May smirked and left the closet. Daisy skittered after her. 

“Surprise?” Coulson made jazz hands but they continued to glare at him. “It was a joke, guys! A little prank! I was just messing around because that’s what cool Directors do -- besides, you told Mack and Daisy and you never told me--” 

“We never _told_ anyone _anything_ ,” Jemma snapped. “They found out accidentally.” 

“So you’re not enforcing the statute?” Fitz asked, looking like he’d gotten a second lease on life. 

“No, of course not,” Coulson replied impatiently. “It’s a stupid rule.” 

“Sir,” Jemma said with barely suppressed rage. “I know it would be impertinent to yell at you, but I’d like to formally register a complaint on the _numerous_ boundaries you have overstepped in this entire farce.” 

“Noted.” Coulson folded his hands in front of him, looking properly abased. “I’ll, uh, I’ll take both of your chores for a week, if that helps?” 

“This may also be a good time to look into that vacation we applied for,” Jemma prompted coolly. “As compensation for stress endured at the hands of our Director.” 

“I will do that,” Coulson nodded. “I’ll, uh -- I’ll just close this, okay?” 

He backed out of the room, shutting the door behind him. 

“You’re going to milk that as long as possible, aren’t you?” Fitz chuckled. 

“I’m _furious_ !” Jemma exclaimed. “As pranks go, this one is _abysmal,_ and _cruel._ But yes, as long as he’s feeling appropriately sheepish, I _will_ the most of it.” 

“All of his antique artifacts could mysteriously go missing one night,” Fitz suggested, stepping up to her again. 

“Mmm.” She linked her arms around his neck. “It _does_ seem like someone should demonstrate how a _proper_ prank is pulled.” 

“You’d really have left S.H.I.E.L.D. for me?” Fitz asked bashfully. 

“Fitz, I would _gladly_ dive through a hole into unemployment for you.” 

Fitz grinned and rested her forehead against hers. “You’re just a lovesick fool trying to make a grand gesture.” 

“And proud of it!” 

“Hey Jemma?” 

“Hmm?” 

“I love you too.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> Written in Philadelphia airport. If you're interested. 
> 
> As usual, all science is bullshitted. Hope this was fun-ish!! Thanks to the anon for the prompt. :) And yes, I definitely think Phil would be a complete dickhead if he actually pulled this, lol. 
> 
> Find me on Tumblr! I'm grapehyasynth there as well.


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